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She Left Me Alone

I was truly surprised by those pictures of rapper 50 Cent after he lost truckloads of weight for an upcoming movie role. What I did not know however, was that the dramatic weight loss would affect his rapping skills like so.

There are few things as delightful as chancing upon gold unexpectedly. While finding this video on my Twitter timeline (via @SahilRiz) doesn’t come anywhere close to the monetary benefits, it still made for a pretty awesome bout of laughter.

Dude goes by the name of Tarun Kumar Kushwah, hails from Delhi and wears a size 32 cup. This video was originally hosted on a Tata Docomo subsite. It almost redeems them for their god awful jingle and piss-poor commercia… wait, who am I kidding! No, it doesn’t. Docomo still sucks dicomo.

Anyway, I presume TKK has recently undergone heartbreak and rightly so he channels his despair, frustrations and anger through music. Or whatever those 164 seconds can be called. He baaasikelly dedicates his performance to all the boys “whose… girlfriends are… loose” and really, haven’t we all been there?

In case it wasn’t clear already, she left him alone. And he emphasises this by repeating it no less than 8 times, which makes me wonder if it were 8 instances she left him alone or if this guy was just thinking of the next line and making up this song as it goes. Those Whose Line hoe-downs have nothing on Rapmaster TKK’s killer verses!

Anyway after some 47 seconds of awkward improv delay, he comes up with no less than two lines – ‘She breaks my heart, she plays with my trust’ To illustrate these lines, he first breaks his keyboard with headbang gone wrong and then makes a full recovery to play with his… thrust (thankfully, off-screen)

Did I forget to mention TKK is an awesome beat-boxer/ting-tidading-tingading guy? And if that weren’t enough, he is also the world’s only air-nipple-stroking-guitar player. (On which twang sounds like trrring)

I don’t care about this

She is my heart

She is my life

She is my heart

She is my love

Well since he didn’t care about this particular verse, I didn’t much either. I did however happen to notice that fake Nike cap on him. No word yet on whether he plans to release official TKK merchandise – genuine Dollar Club baniyans, authentic Nyke caps and exciting offers on paper towels and hand sanitizers.

The rest of it is mostly gibberish that isn’t Hindi… isn’t English… isn’t even Pikey. At 1:45 however, his inner desires to indulge in coitus are expressed ever so casually.

I wish to faaaackk… but fear not ladies-who-are-now-interested-in-TKK-after-hearing-his-tragic-tale-with-way-too-many-hyphens, for he will love you. He will love you so much. So so so so much.

Putting the O in OS

Dated: Jan 22, 2009

One of the fondest memories of an otherwise fuckall period of life.

———————

Normal boring day at college, normal boring drag that defines an OS lecture, and then suddenly this happens…

“So.. ehh.. yoo all boys is heer todeyy gud gudd.. todey topic is:

Alghorhythms fore Mammary Allokeshan”

*collective groan and mild chuckle from those who spotted the memory mispronunciation*

NOTE: I shit you not. This is actually what she gave as class notes. Doubters can kiss my ass and then go check page 201 of Operating Systems by Andrew S Tanenbaum

“In memory managers, the processes and holes are kept on a list sorted by…

Us being the sophomoric morons that we are, sniggered at the mention of “holes”.. knowing not the hilarity that was to follow. She made some frontbencher fag dictate, who crapfully pronounced it right

…blah blah blah until it finds a hole that is big enough.

That hole is then broken up into two parts…”

NOTE: From hereon think fuck instead of fit, like pretty much everyone did

“First fit is a fast algorithm because it structures as little as possible. A minor variation of first fit is next fit. It works the same way as first fit except that it keeps track of where it is whenever it finds a suitable hole.

The next time it is called to find a hole it starts searching the database of holes from the place where it left off last time.”

We were laughing out quite audibly by now

“Ehh yoo baays.. why yoo laff eh!? Why so funny!? Why so funnayy!?”
(which IMO is the bizarro version of why so serious?)

“Continue, Pratik” which in her accent sounded like ‘cunt-in-you’

“Another well known algorithm is Best Fit. Br.. uhh.. Best Fit searches the entire list of holes and finds the smallest hole that is adequate for the process i.e Best Fit tries to find a hole that is closest to the recommended size.”

The laughs got considerably louder

“Ehh ehh ehhh… aai seyy no laff! Why so funny!? Why so funnnayyy!?”

“The last algorithm is Worst Fit. Worst Fit always finds the largest available hole so the hole broken off will be big enough to be used by multiple processes.”

One guy quite literally fell on the floor

Poor girls in the class, sat awkwardly all the time; as for us, a whole bunch of high-fives were exchanged after what was the best class ever!

Another few random sentences from the lecture:

“In this way, all of them devote all of their energy in inspecting holes”

“The process can be sped up by paying an intelligible price in loss of quality”

“The first entry is a pointer with the head…”